Kaisa the Pheonix

Over the past couple of years I’ve been trying to reintroduce the magic of childhood into my life. I realized that over time adulthood crept in and set up shop right where all of my youthful whimsy used to be. I had thought I was immune to it, that I could somehow ignore the crushing weight of responsibility closing in all around me. That I alone was superior among men. But no- bills, health scares, and heartbreak now littered the corridors of my once pristine psyche.

I had to get it back. You know, “it.” The excitement of seeing the Power Rangers form the Megazord to defeat another monster sent by Rita Repulsa. The thrill of watching Yami Yugi flip a trap card that leaves his previously gloating opponent absolutely shitting himself. The joy of prancing around my room trying to mimic every move Sailor Moon makes as she transforms. Childish innocence is what I’m talking about if you haven’t grasped it yet.

Aerosmith was right. I am so j-j-jaded. Nothing is fun anymore. I commute to work, I sit at my desk staring at stupid tech crap, I commute home, I lie on the couch trying to will myself to do yoga so I don’t prematurely crumple up into an arthritic old woman, I go to bed too late, and repeat the cycle for eternity. I honestly can’t take it anymore. I actually think being an adult is really fucking stupid and I have GOT to make some changes.

When I was like 3 I came up with a new move based on the martial arts I saw in Power Rangers; the Double Punch Double Kick. It was my signature move. I would attempt to launch myself forward, both arms and legs held straight out in front of me, using the maximum number of limbs in order to deal more damage than anyone could possibly imagine. Mostly it just ended with me falling on my tiny ass, unsure of how to land with both of my legs parallel to the ground. But the vision was there.

I want that back. That complete ignorance of how anything works. When adults would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say a bunny, because they said that I could be anything I wanted and I wanted to be a cute, fluffy bunny rabbit. I never dreamed of WORK. And what kind of bullshit is that? Equating a job with who you are as a person? Adults are so messed up. I got into UX design because I needed money and the field vaguely aligned with my skillset as a storyteller and artist. I wouldn’t call myself “a UX designer.” I’m a storyteller. But “storyteller” isn’t a career path you can select on LinkedIn now is it!!

Anyway, I digress. Aside from revisiting the books, TV shows, movies, and music that inspired me as a kid, I’ve also been revisiting my own work. I was a prolific writer at the tender age of 14, pumping out OC’s like a teen possessed. British high school boys who fell in love with each other (I was there long before Heartstopper okay!!! 2005 baby!!!), girly-looking, moody angel and demon guys who also fell in love with each other, a gay merman, a gay cowboy, the list goes on and on. Frankly there were a lot of gay guys in my character repertoire as soon as I realized being gay was a thing. How I didn’t end up a gay trans man I’ll never know.

But before all of that, there was Kaisa. The Mary Sue of a lifetime. The greatest character I have ever written or will ever write. And she is the embodiment of everything I want to retrieve from my childhood.

Kaisa the Pheonix (I realized too late that I spelled Phoenix wrong and instead of correcting myself I just insisted that both spellings were correct. Queen shit right there) was the main character of my first real story, Demon Heart. Demon Heart borrowed heavily from both the InuYasha anime, which at the time had just started airing on Adult Swim and was blowing my tiny child mind, and the little-known manga Dragon Knights by Mineko Ohkami, licensed by Tokyopop. Kaisa was a half demon with long golden hair and teal eyes who wore a teal tunic and was a master swordsman with mysterious demon powers. Demon Heart was set in a world in which demons were considered feared creatures, so Kaisa acted as a bridge between the demon and human worlds.

The story started with Kaisa being hired as the bodyguard to a young prince named Shinjite (listen I bought a Japanese/English dictionary at Barnes & Noble and by god I was gonna use it). Throughout their adventures (almost none of which I wrote) they eventually fell in love. The big twist was that Kaisa was the reincarnation of an ancient evil demon named Katia (lmao), and when Kaisa eventually tragically dies (jesus) she is then reincarnated as…a human Japanese schoolgirl. I can’t remember her name off the top of my head but it was definitely some iteration of “Kate” I can tell you that for sure.* This element was the “pheonix” part of her name, she was always reincarnated after death.

Demon Heart was my master work. In hindsight I realize that I wrote it as a way to imagine myself as a strong and powerful woman while maintaining my desire to find love. Kaisa looked how I wanted to look, acted like how I wanted to act, and was a badass with a heart of gold who got the guy at the end despite her outsider status. Having grown up a nerdy loner, Kaisa was my ultimate power fantasy.

How do I make something like Demon Heart as an adult? Very little of it exists in my 20+ year old online footprint, primarily having been written and drawn before I even had a DeviantArt account. It was made with no one else’s eyes in mind- it was for me and me alone. And it shows! Demon Heart is not by any means “good.” It was basically the Double Punch Double Kick of stories; an audaciously “improved” copy of something that had deeply inspired me that I made when I didn’t know any better.

Now I know too much. I feel the need to hide my silliness and ignorance so I don’t look incompetent or stupid. Kaisa is cringe, Demon Heart is cringe, and I hate to admit I’ve become ashamed to be cringe. Me, the Kate Bresnahan who used a Fruits Basket crossbody as my standard high school bag. Me, the Kate Bresnahan who perpetually carried the lyrics of anime theme songs I had handwritten on a piece of lined paper folded up in the inside pocket of the tacky fleece vests I wore throughout the entirety of middle school. Me, the Kate Bresnahan who wrote several self-insert Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfictions!! Embarrassed to be cringe, bah. I am cringe. I was born in it, molded by it.

I’m so tired of feeling like all eyes are on me. And that’s not just my ego talking, we live in a world where people regularly film strangers to make fun of them on TikTok. My beautiful mind babies are too delicate for such a cruel reality.

I know a lot of artists are embarrassed of their old work, but mine is still so precious to me. I remember drawing it and I remember how proud I felt of it. In fact, I’m envious of how easy it was for the younger version of myself to feel such overwhelming pride in her work. It wasn’t anything groundbreaking, but it was an honest expression from my heart. And I loved it for that. Just as much as I loved the Spice Girls, and that’s saying a LOT.

I know she still exists inside of me. Maybe I need to listen to Fukai Mori by Do As Infinity four billion times. It’s what she would have done.

*Edited to add: I remembered I named her human reincarnation Kohaku. Undoubtedly chosen via a scroll through the K section in the ol’ Japanese/English dictionary.